I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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