well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Enjoy the penises
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
