I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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