I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
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Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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