Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
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Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
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Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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