I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
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My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
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Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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