Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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