Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
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there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
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I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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