I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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