I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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