If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
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The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
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Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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