yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
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My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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