apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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