Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
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I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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