i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize