I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
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I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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