I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
me + whiskey = a bad person
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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