My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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