Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
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It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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