I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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