Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
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Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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