Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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