Umm I'm too high to move.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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