So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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