My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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