Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
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My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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