she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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