If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
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