I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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