My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize