I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
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since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
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His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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