New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
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new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
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That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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