i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
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Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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