I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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