I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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