i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
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I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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