Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
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