a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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