And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
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How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize