in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
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Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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