I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize