Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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