It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
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HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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