Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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