just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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