I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
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3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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