1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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