Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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