im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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