Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
